Star Stuff - It Just Doesn't Matter! - Night Moves Magazine

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) What you need is computerized shoes... Try to get the ones with the built-in USB port so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance... You will finally get around to exercising!.. Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky... Don't be intimidated though... at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head...

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) You will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity... Eventually you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records... right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle... This is a good time to invest in collectable things... Susan B. Anthony dollars make a good start...

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While attempting to stifle a yawn you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound... Try bringing out your pager and saying... "These new models sure have some interesting sound options don't they?"... This works well with several other forms of involuntary noises as well... Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions... On the other hand... a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... Beware of galoots...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair"... you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair"... You've been yodeling in your sleep again... Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?.. Be nice to your coworkers... Coworkers have a darned tough job... so it's good to make them feel special once in a while...

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechwan chili peppers... and it will bring tears to your eyes... This will strike you as odd... given that you were eating a ham sandwich... This is an especially trying time... if you're not careful... you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind... You'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting... Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head...

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you?... It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV... The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination... mayonaisse becomes shaving cream... a burger becomes compressed compost... and everything else is coated with motor oil... Which these days is pretty close to the truth... Avoid yodeling next week...

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind... It's not serious... But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts... People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors... Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous... You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance... Try to remain calm...

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter... If you answer... you'll be blamed... Pretend you don't know anything about it... Good time to invest in flowers and a card... Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion... You will be up the creek... but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you due to some excellent planning on your part...

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20) Time for a career change... Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"?.. One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a ridiculous hat without people laughing at you... You will spend another day surrounded by idiots... or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced... and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent...

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party... and you'll catch glimpses through the open window... You'll know you shouldn't watch... but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that... especially on a trampoline... While attending a séance "just for fun"... you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin... Oh... your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman... Who you gonna call?..

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game... you will be abducted by aliens... and asked to save their race from annihilation at the hands of evil creatures from between the stars... Then... you will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery... That's not something you should try to deal with yourself... You will become embroiled in yet another argument about shellfish... You will easily trounce your opponent who will leave in a huff... He's just being crabby...

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up... Or if not that then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage... some gold coins... and a goat... Good time to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people... at least that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise... Excellent time to fritter things away...

It Just Doesn't Matter!

But DO Designate A Driver!